Self Worth and The Knife
by Iscah McKrae
Summary: A few broken people that just might be able to fix each other. This was the only place that was safe for him right now. And, maybe, for once in his life he came just in time...just when...he could make a difference. Or maybe he shouldn't have come at all.
1. Masked Intruder

**A/N: **_**Okay…I'm officially doing it. I'm writing AU. I tried so hard to fit this story into canon, but when it positively refused to squeeze into the possible timeline, I decided to take advantage of the fact and possibly take a few different directions than the show actually did. I don't have the whole thing planned out, and in case my lovely readers haven't noticed, I've been having a terrible time with follow-through. But I will faithfully promise to keep writing. If I am able to write more chapters of either "Pay the Piper" or "EverFixed Mark," they will take precedence over this fic…because I owe that to my faithful readers who have been begging me to finish them for longer than I care to think about. Please never give up on me.**_

_**Just to be clear, in this story, everything that precedes it (The Pilot through "I Get a Sidekick Out of You") happened exactly as it did in canon.**_

_**Also…since I'm not exactly sure where this story is going, I'm not sure if the title will work for the whole story. We'll just have to see.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls in any way. If I did, I would have hocked everything I owned to bribe Milo Ventimiglia into staying on throughout all of seasons 6 &7.**_

_**On with the story. Chapter one is very short.**_

_Chapter I - The Masked Intruder_

When he got there the night before, he used the key above the door and tried to figure out how to go upstairs without scaring Luke half to death. Not that it mattered. The apartment was empty. His bed was still there in the same place it had been since the day after he first arrived in Stars Hollow. Luke would either be there in the morning, or he wouldn't.

Turned out, he wasn't. Caesar arrived bright and early and it was him Jess ended up scaring almost out of his wits. It seemed Luke wasn't back yet and Caesar had the run of the place. Jess lent a hand and Caesar did his best not to seem annoyed by the help…so Jess tried to primarily stay out of his way.

"Lemme know if you need me." He found a corner and pulled his book out of his back pocket.

He expected to see Lorelai, but she definitely didn't expect to see him. The jumping shudder and loud "_Oh!"_ that escaped the frightened circle of her mouth proved that.

"Sorry, I forgot to take my Halloween mask off," he said, rolling his eyes and wondering how many more people he'd end up frightening over the course of the day…and beginning to wonder if he should have just stayed in bed.

"No! It's…um…" Lorelai nodded through her stumbled speech, "…you…look different."

Jess quirked an eyebrow and gave himself a once-over before looking back at her. "So do you."

Her expression shifted a shade colder despite her obvious effort to conceal the fact.

"I'm not trying to bait you or insult you. You've changed your hair. It looks nice."

She was clearly surprised that he'd grown a tongue in his absence…and a polite one. Strangely, she seemed to have lost hers. She hadn't managed to find a reply before Caesar came out of the kitchen like a beam of sunshine.

"Lorelai! I've got your coffee right here…"

Lorelai's tongue grew back and she bantered with Caesar about coffee and breakfast, though Jess couldn't help but notice it was forced. He buried himself back into his book, but was aware that when Lorelai was about to leave, she stopped and turned, trying to figure out how to ask him what he was doing there, but again, couldn't find the words, and the door chimed as her heels clicked going through it.

_**A/N: I'm a little uncomfortable in my skin at this point, writing…from a distance, if that makes any sense. I'm used to being firmly in my characters' heads. Right now, I'm more peeking through a keyhole. Don't know if that explains anything. I know there's not a whole lot of material here to review, but I'd appreciate it if you'd give me some kind of feedback anyway, just as an incentive to keep going. Thanks. **_


	2. Gutted Fish

_**A/N: Fair warning, if you think this chapter is overly dramatic, you're probably right. If you think it's OOC for either Lorelai or Jess, you may very well be right. This conversation was what prompted the story in the first place, and when I shared it with melethril, one of the best IMNSHO writers of Jess-centric fic anywhere, she told me I had to find a way to work it into one of my stories, because the words just needed to be said. So…here you have it.**_

_**Again, I don't own Gilmore Girls or anything to do with them, but I do own the sleeping torbie cat who is presently snuggled up against me.**_

_Chapter II - Gutted Fish_

He knocked out the beer in the fridge that night. Not that there was that terribly much. It just served to confirm that it was a bad thing Luke wasn't back yet. He knew he should have paid more attention to the itinerary Luke had rattled off when he was standing next to him. But, his attention had been elsewhere. He still could call Luke's cell. But, all it would do was give Luke a reason to worry. He'd get back when he got back. For now, all Jess could do was pretend he was going to get any sleep, lying there on that familiar striped mattress, staring up at the gray ceiling.

He guessed he looked something like death warmed over the following morning. Not much he could do about it. And didn't feel much like bothering. He went down and gave Caesar the same memo as he had the day before, seating himself on the same stool, staring at the same pages, finding it hard even to read them.

He glanced up, bleary eyed when Lorelai breezed in and she gave him a strange look.

"Have you moved?" she grimaced.

He didn't dignify this with a response, but returned to staring at the lines that were starting to blur together. Inside his head he made a jibe about his clothes merely changing holographically as he sat there…but it wasn't worth the effort of vocalizing.

One day blurred into the next. Different clothes, same book, same stool.

"Seriously, what's going on?"

He gritted his teeth.

"Have you even turned the page?"

He blinked at said page, keeping his mouth shut.

"Why don't you get up off your lazy butt and bus tables or take orders or help Caesar in the kitchen?"

"Caesar doesn't _**want my help! And that's fine! 'Cause I don't work here anymore!**_" His volume and venom made Lorelai flinch. "_**And, you know what?**_" At that moment in time he did not know, neither did he care just why her words set him off the way they did.

She didn't even acknowledge his shouting. "Does Luke even know you're here?"

"_**No.**_"

Lorelai's eyes closed and she shook her head in one sharp movement as if to jar the thoughts into place. "What are you doing here, Jess? Why did you come? Rory said that she saw you. Did you come here because of her? Because-"

"_**NO!**_" Okay, that was partially a lie, but the way in which it was, was none of her coffee grinding business!

"-she doesn't live here-_you_ don't work here-_she _doesn't live here!" It seemed she needed to get the rest of the sentence out before processing his reply. "Then what?"

"_Why should you care?_" he asked, wide-eyed and voice strained.

"Because, according to Luke and according to Rory, you're doing great. You're this put-together, going-places young entrepreneur who's taking the world by storm, and all I see in front of me is a lump of burnt-out, hung-over, nothing…and I'm scared what it's going to do to them when they find out whatever it is they saw went up in smoke!"

Jess started to laugh bitterly. "Naturally," he nodded, an edge in his words. "You would only concern yourself with the likes of me in order to spare _Luke_ and _Rory._ That's just fine. That's exactly how it should be." His voice eked out like the weak brewings from a twice-used teabag. "I don't deserve anybody's consideration."

"Oh, come on, have a little self worth," Lorelai said, her shoulders sagging with the dragging tone.

"_Self-worth?_" he questioned incredulously. "Self worth? …really?"

"Yes, self worth. I mean, if any of what the two of them have been telling me is true, then you have reason to hold your head up. Why would you be sitting there saying _I don't deserve anybody's consideration_?" she used air quotes and an Eeyore monotone, ending with a sickened face, and a _come…on!_ shake of the head. "Just quit it with the self-pity already. Sheesh! That was what bothered me from the second I met you. You couldn't get out of this cloud of self-pity and pretend worthlessness, and I don't get it. You could do so much, what possible reason do you have to resign yourself to this, _I'm the piece of crap the world revolves around_ act?"

He swallowed, tight jawed and stone-lipped. "_Reasons?_" his voice was whispered and trembled with bottled up anger. "You want _reasons…"_ After he stood there frozen for several long seconds, the anger snapped, flipping to a near falsetto and a frighteningly false, wide smile.

"Wait! Let's go through the list!" he said in chipper sarcasm, "I was no good to my mother , no good to Luke, no good to my dead-beat dad who didn't want to so much as let me sleep on his couch when I was still a kid and had nowhere else to go, and as far as _women_ are concerned, the only thing I'm good for is getting back at their cheating ex-boyfriends! You can check with Rory on that one, I'm pretty sure she'd _**back me up!**_" Lorelai's mouth dropped open. "Not that there isn't any _merit_ in that, but - _oh wait!_" the cheery face went stone cold.

"Jess…" Lorelai breathed, heart-stung.

"_**Don't**_ preach to me about self worth! I haven't turned to **booze, drugs, jumped off a bridge or slit my wrists.** Believe me, all things considered, that's a sign of **tremendous**_** self worth.**__" _

"Jess, when you said that-" Lorelai seemed shaken, and Jess could guess what was getting to her.

"Sorry, I assumed Rory told you everything. Don't worry, she didn't tarnish herself. She just made it clear that's the only use she _would have_ for me."

"Why would she do that?" Lorelai asked hollowly. "What did you-" she stopped short at the look Jess shot her.

"_**Right!**_" Jess barked, incredulously, "_**I**_ must've done something! She's the perfect princess-the angel-child who can do no wrong-it must have been the black-hearted villain who prompted her to say such an awful thing! It certainly couldn't have come of her own volition! She would never **dream** of walking up and _stabbing somebody in the back!_ Wait, no, I'm not the victim here…I'm not the victim or the villain. It wasn't _me_ she was trying to stab! She wanted _**me**_to be the _**knife!**_ After all, wouldn't I _**jump at the chance to be HER knife! Her weapon! Shouldn't that be an honor?**__" _He suddenly clamped his jaw shut, and shut his eyes, shuddering in an obvious attempt to reign in his rage. He shook his head slowly, eyes still closed, mouth twisted as if with the taste of bile and gall. Finally, when his eyes opened, they rested on Lorelai's stunned face, full of sorrow. He blinked rapidly, looking past her. "I'm sorry," he said quickly, in a voice completely devoid of inflection, "I'm not myself right now. I'd consider it a personal favor if you forgot everything I just said. Though why you'd grant me a personal favor, I haven't vaguest idea."

"How?" He'd never heard Lorelai speak only one word before, and in this sad excuse for a conversation, he'd heard her do so twice - this time, speaking like a fish that had been sliced from throat to tail, it's internal organs slopped to the ground…empty and bleeding.

"Good question." Jess' eyebrows furrowed as he stared down at the linoleum and the corrugated wainscoting of the counter in front of him without seeing them. He glanced up at Lorelai from a downcast face and his voice was strained. "Don't tell Luke..."

Lorelai's eyes flicked up, and her lips pursed just slightly, clearly wondering why he'd mentioned this specifically, when he's just asked her to forget about the incident entirely. Her eyebrows drew a little closer together as she tried to figure it...why he hadn't asked her not to keep it particularly from Rory.

"April may be his daughter," Jess continued softly, his gaze shifting back into nothingness and returning again, "but Rory's his little girl." He breathed in and out, and licked his lips to disguise the fact that they nearly trembled. "I'd rather he thought I did something," he whispered.

Lorelai was looking at him as intently as her blue eyes could pierce into the enigmatic shambles known as Jess Mariano. His eyes faltered and turned from the gaze, having no wish to be read. His lungs filled with a halting sigh, and turning to walk away, he shrugged into his shell like he'd always done as a teenager. Something about being back there in the diner...or maybe it was Lorelai's presence...the keen, critical assessment that never seemed to come out in his favor. He scratched the right side of his face with his left hand as he grabbed a rag to wipe down the already clean tables...scrub invisible spots off the countertop, and find other useless things to occupy his attention.

_**A/N: So…should I have crumpled it up and thrown it in the trash? Please…details about why you liked or hated it. Without them, I will presume you hated it, and in all likelihood, not bother to continue.**_


End file.
